I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
