I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
