girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
