i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
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Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
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I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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