her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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