alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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