if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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