Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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