Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
