2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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