So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
