thus making me awesome and them whores
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
