I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
