I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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