I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
