how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
