Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
