Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
