it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
