ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
