You're my little dorito
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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