After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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