my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
