birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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