im about as happy as oj after his trial
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
