So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
