Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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