well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
