Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
even my farts smell like vagina
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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