TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
