i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
