Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
