I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Floor bacon is actually really good
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
