I hope mine doesn't look like that
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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