Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
