I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
