My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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