im drinking this country out of the recession.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
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at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
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I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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