Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
