conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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