Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
