dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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