Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
