my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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