I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
