i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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