I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
