She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
