My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
