Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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