Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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