onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
