weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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