After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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