My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
