Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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